@ALBUM: Zappa In New York Author: Frank Zappa @SONG: Titties & Beer ------- - ---- It was the blackest night There was no moon in sight You know the stars ain't shinin' 'Cause the sky's too tight I heard the scarey wind I seen some ugly trees There was a werewolf honkin' 'Long the side of me I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me... 'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, Mystery I noticed even the crickets Was actin' weird up here And So I figured I might Just drink a little beer I said, *"Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on..." But there was no reply 'Cause she was gone... *"Where's those titties that I like so well 'n my goddamn beer!"* Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil...he's about this big... He had a red suit on An' a widow's peak An' then a pointed tail 'N like a sulphur reek Yes, it was him awright I sweared I knowed it was He had some human flesh Stuck underneath his claws You know it looked to me Like it was titty skin I said, *"You sonofabitch!"* 'Cause I was mad at him, Well he just got out his floss 'N started cleanin' his fang So I shot him with my shooter Said: BANG BANG BANG Then the sucker just laughed 'n said, *"Put it away... You know, I ate her all up...now what you gonna say?"* YOU ATE MY CHRISSY? *"Titties 'n all!"* WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE BEER THEN, BOY? *"Were the cans this tall?" EVEN HER BOOTS? *"Would I lie to you?"* SHIT, YOU MUSTA BEEN HUNGRY! *"Yes, this is true."* WELL DON'T THEY PAY YOU GOOD FOR THE STUFF THAT YOU DO? *"Well, you know, I can't complain when the checks come through..."* WELL I WANT MY CHRISSY, 'N I WANT MY BEER SO YOU JUST BARF IT BACK UP NOW, DEVIL, DO YOU HEAR? *"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I mean, I am the Devil, Do you understand? Just what will you give me for your Titties and beer? I suppose you noticed this little contract here..."* YER GODDAM RIGHT, YOU SON-OF-A-WHORE, *"Don't call me that"* THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY REASON ...GIMME THAT PAPER...BET YER ASS I'll SIGN... 'CAUSE I NEED A BEER, 'N IT'S TITTY- SQUEEZIN' TIME *"Man, You can't fool me...you ain't that bad... I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls I had... Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too... 'n both of those suckers was worse 'n you..."* WELL, LET'S MAKE A DEAL IF YOU THINK THAT'S TRUE I MEAN, YOU'RE THE DEVIL, SO WHATCHA GONNA DO? (improvised dialog) "Wait a minute...a tinge of doubt crosses my mind...when you say... that you want to make a deal with me..." "That's very, very true I'm only interested in two things *"Yeah?"* See if you can guess what they are" "I would think...uh...let's see, maybe Stravinsky..." "I'll give you two clues. Let go of your pickle" "What?" "Let go of your pickle!" "I'm not holding my pickle" "Well, who's holding your pickle then?" "I don't know...she's out in the audience... Hey Dale, would you like to come up here and hold my pickle to satisfy this weird man out on the stage?" "I'm only interested in two things, and that's titties and beer you know what I mean? *"What?"* titties and beer titties and beer titties and beer titties and beer titties and beer titties and beer titties and beer!" titties and beer!" *"I don't know if you're the right guy?"* titties and beer!" titties and beer!" *"No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think... I mean hold on a second boy, 'cause that's magic ink!" And then the devil let go of his pickle and out come my girl, there was her titties flop-floppin'...all around the world She said "I got me three beers and a fistful of downs and I'm gonna get ripped, so fuck, you clowns!" Then she gave us the finger, it was rigid and stiff That's when the devil, he farted and she went right over the cliff! The devil was mad, I took off to my pad I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? @SONG: I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth - ------- --- -- ---- -- ---- ----- (Instrumental) @SONG: Big Leg Emma --- --- ---- There's a big dilemma 'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah There's a big dilemma 'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah She used to knock me out Until her face broke out There's a big dilemma 'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah There's a big dilemma 'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah She was my steady date Until she put on weight na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na boogedy boogedy na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na na-na boogedy boogedy There's a big dilemma 'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah There's a big dilemma 'Bout my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah She used to knock me out Until her face broke out She used to knock me out Until her face broke out @SONG: Sofa ---- (Instrumental) @SONG: Manx Needs Women ---- ----- ----- (Instrumental) @SONG: The Black Page Drum Solo/Black Page #1 --- ----- ---- ---- ---------- ---- -- (Instrumental) @SONG: Black Page #2 ----- ---- -- (Instrumental) @SONG: Honey, Don't You Want A Man Like Me? ------ ----- --- ---- - --- ---- --- Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me He was the Playboy Type (he smoke a pipe) His fav'rite phrase was "OUTA-SITE!" He had an Irish Setter It was a singles bar, a Tuesday night The moon was dim, the band was tight They did the bump together What a splendid sight,(Ren-nen-nen-nen) her teeth were white The drinks were cheap (it was Ladies Nite) He was glad that he met her She was an office girl ("My name is Betty") Her fav'rite group was HELEN REDDY (They discussed the weather) Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a Baby don't you want a Baby don't you want a man She was the lonely sort, just a little too short Her jokes were dumb and her fav'rite sport Was hockey (in the winter) He was duly impressed and was quick to suggest Any sport with a PUCK had to be 'bout the best As he jabbed his elbow in her *("Get it honey? Get it?")* Later on they went off to where the music was soft, The candles were drippy, they saw a REAL HIPPY Who delivered their dinner The rice was brown, and soon they found That the crowd around that had jammed the room, Well it seemed to be getting thinner Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a Baby don't you want a Baby don't you want a man He took her home to a motor court She wouldn't kiss him, he tried to ignore it, But it made him angry! angry, it made me angry, it made me so angry I could have killed that lousy BITCH!) He called her a slut, a pig and a whore A bitch and a cunt and she slammed the door In a petulant frenzy! (A petulant frenzy, this is a petulant frenzy. I'm petulant, and I'm having a frenzy) On the sofa she weeps BOO HOO HOO HOO She weeps and she weeps BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO She weeps and she peeks Through the curtain He just got in his car But the battery's dead So he asks to use the phone And she gives him some head And that's the end of the story Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a man like me Honey honey, hey Baby don't you want a Baby don't you want a man Baby don't you want a man sometimes? @SONG: The Illinois Enema Bandit --- -------- ----- ------ And now folks it's time for Don Pardo To deliver our special Illinois Enema Bandit-type announcement Take it away, Don "This is a true story About a famous criminal From right around Chicago This is the story of Michael Kenyon A man who's serving time at this very moment For the crime of armed robbery It so happened, that at the time of the robbery Michael, decided to give his female victims A little enema Apparently, there was no law against that But his name lives on Michael Kenyon THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT!" The Illinois Enema Bandit I heard he's on the loose I heard he's on the loose Lord, the pitiful screams Of all them college-educated women... Boy, he'd just be tyin' 'em up (They'd be all bound down!) Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice The Illinois Enema Bandit I heard it on the news I heard it on the news Bloomington Illinois...he has caused some alarm Just sneakin' around there From farm to farm Got a rubberized bag And a hose on his arm Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump The Illinois Enema Bandit One day he'll have to pay One day he'll have to pay The police will say, *"You're under arrest!"* And the judge would have him for a special guest The D.A. will order a secret test And stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest Then they'll put out a call for the jury folks And the judge would say, *"No poo-poo jokes!"* Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see, Sayin' "Don't nobody have no sympathy... HOT SOAP WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!" And then the bandit might say, *"Why is everybody looking' at me?"* WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS KINDA MISERY? WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? Now, one girl shout: *"Let the Bandit be!"* BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY? TELL ME NOW, WHAT'S YOUR PLEA? Another girl shout: *"Let the fiend go free!"* ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS? The Bandit say, *"It must be just what they all needs..."* *"It must be just what they all needs..."* *"It must be just what they all needs..."* *"It must be just what they all needs..."* *"It must be just what they all needs..."* *"It must be just what they all needs..."* etc. repeat Wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna enema Enema repeat... @SONG: The Purple Lagoon --- ------ ------ (Instrumental)